Time doesn’t exist to a seed

If it seemed to me that time was warped before we left, I might as well be living in a new dimension entirely now. Its been only two weeks since Jamie left us in that striking gold canyon in Nevada, headed for our home base of Texas, but it feels like months and months. I’ve come to believe that without all of the distractions of modern life, like work and bills and cars and shopping and shiny, bright ads on every corner telling me I will never ever be enough, no matter how many shoes I buy, no matter how thin I get, no matter how rich my boyfriend is, because we must always have more more more…with the absence of all of that in my life, I believe, existence is vaster and denser than I could ever have imagined.

Of course, I can’t really escape the ads. They stand there, 100 feet tall on iron legs, proclaiming with a booming voice what happiness and success are supposed to look like, and just how much it will cost you, in a tidy, brightly colored packages complete with the perfect tag line All unsolicited and unwanted. No matter how much we don’t want to see see these incredibly mind altering images, we can do virtually nothing about it because the companies that put them up also own the property they are standing on. So we see images of thin, scantily clad women with “perfect” proportions selling clothing, fragrances, makeup, sex. We see men in positions of power. We see shiny new cars and savory, nutrient deficient food. Drilled into our minds over. And over. And over again. No wonder this madness has been going on for so long. They’ve got their brainwashing techniques down to a science.

The difference for me now is that when I see the billboards, I scoff, roll my eyes. Or I just try to flat out ignore them. Still they stand there, pounding their messages of inferiority and scarcity and fear into all of our brains. Its these parts of modern civilization that can send me tail spinning towards despair at any second, if I let them. It’s features like this that drive me to desire seclusion from the rat race more and more each day. How I miss Gold Strike Canyon, nestled in the southern tip of Nevada. I spent five pages in my journal just describing the intricate and wild beauty of the 6 mile hike down to a naturally flowing hot springs that overlook rose colored boulders , emerald moss and chartreuse fern cascading toward the Colorado River. We only spent four or five days in that canyon, but in that short amount of time, I began to really heal. I find it so easy to regain balance away from all the roads and consumption and advertisements. Away from the poison of civilization. So we hide away, when we can, for as long as our water tank and food will last us, till we have to go back to the cities to make some money and restock on our necessities. This bus adventure is definitely not any sort of solution. We’re still so dependent on the capitalistic system and its excess. That, also, could easily make me crazy if I let it. I have to remind myself that we are still babies in our journeys towards balance and health. We still have so much to learn about the world, community, and ourselves. This is happening right now to prepare us for what lies ahead, whatever that may be. I’m hoping that its land we can settle down on and begin to really fully sustain our own lives by our hands and ours alone. But I guess we’ll see…..

Anyway, time is really warped around here. Each day holds so much detail, a new lesson learned, new clarity to be appreciated. Or it holds so much weight and sorrow that I’m almost crippled with it. On those days, all I mostly do is  write in my journal and make good food and take walks and listen to music and cry, trying to nurse my own wounds so that hopefully some day I can nurse the wounds of others. This is a time of growth and self care, I remind myself. I imagine I lay deep in the earth, surrounded by cool, damp soil. I am a sprouting seed. I see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing. I am just able to be. I absorb the nutrients needed to become a little sproutling. My roots begin to spread out underneath me, grounding me to where I came from and soaking up the water droplets that have made their way down to give me life. Some day I will be a tree, but trees, like humans, take a very very long time to grow. So for now I am incubated in darkness, just beginning to be.


3 thoughts on “Time doesn’t exist to a seed

  1. Each day on a path away from the rat-race I seem to become more and more insane to those who have found “comfort” in “civilization”. Time spent deep in meditation revealed to me the power of words, and the power and influence these words have on those around us…and I begin to notice the carelessness we as Americans have with our words. Whatever first pops into my head comes right out my mouth…and I begin to notice how my thoughts and words have been heavily influenced by commercials, public schools, religious documents and political propoganda, just to name a few sources. I notice that I’ve become a vessel for these corporate ideas. I run around with “Abercrombie and Fitch” written colorfully across my chest; I participate in meaningless chatter about tv shows and degrade women around me with my overtly sexual comments; I squash any attempt at meaningful and engaging conversation with impulsive words like “so what?”, “who cares”, “oh more hippy-talk”, “well let me know when you start a revolution” and other hasty statments that disrupt productive dialogue; and I occupy my time sitting in front of a box that further effects my thought-process so that I may return to reality, ready to squash more attempts to “think outside the box.” I don’t realize how deeply programmed I have become, and how every action I take and word I say perpetuates this corporate-control. In fact, a part of me yearns for change, but my brain is too programmed to see that I MUST BE THAT CHANGE. So I wait. I wait for someone else to make that change, and while I wait I continue to squash my fellow-humans hopes of change, I continue to advertise for the corporations, I continue to laugh and degrade those who take action. I don’t realize the importance of productive communication….but than something inside of me changes, and I begin to see the light!!…So off I go to my “friends” with a fresh mind, ready to be the change! And I begin to talk about real issues! And I begin to really listen to those around me. But when I talk about the Keystone XL pipeline, my brother says “so what?” And when I bring up the USA drone attacks in Yemen and how US actions seem like Nazi Tactics, my friends say “who cares?” And when I bring up the cancer-causing chemicals in fast-foods and processed foods, someone says “Well the sun causes cancer too, but Im not gunna hide indoors?” Squashed. And those I call “friends” now see me as the annoying insufferable hippy. My parents, once proud of my mindless and apathetic disposition, now see me as a lazy nuisance that won’t stop talking about global warming and the UN Climate Summit being sponsored by Coal & Oil companies. I become shunned by “productive citizens.” I begin to go crazy, but than I become aware of my breathing, aware of my own suffering, and I find calm in this storm. I realize that there is no need to argue with a robot, because they can only regurgitate the information that was programmed into them. Buddha says, “This world is a burning house. Get out while you can.” 😦 BE THE CHANGE –Shawn Bayly

    • Ugh. It’s all so heavy, isn’t it? I find myself swinging on the pendulum of insanity between productive bliss, accompanied with maybe an over optimistic “hippy dippy” approach to existence, and despair at the seemingly hopeless state of the world we live in. It’s such a challenge to find the balanced point I want to be at, that would allow me to look at the pain and suffering and injustice with an open and loving heart. It takes courage to take the blinders off and look at the raw darkness for what it really is. It takes a great deal more courage to face the darkness within ourselves, and look forward to a brighter future despite all of that. “My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?”

  2. Thankyou for your honest reflections. By sharing and articulating your experience of spiritual suffering within the wasteland of false images you have offered other lonely pilgrims and wayfarers on like paths some solace. Your adventure and courage are a lamp to others. Great joy and discovery can be found when one leaves the path of conformity. I have done some of the things you have done and I had many voices from within and without telling me I was silly, irresponsible, foolish. Maybe they were right. However, my own deepest essence was crying out in silent grief. How can the body go on when the soul is dying or dead? My answer to this was to build a house in nature, among some hills and valleys. I am not separate or independant from much of capitalism or consumer culture, but I made some effort and built a home of wood, stone and bits and pieces. It was an adventure. Maybe a bit like yours? Apologies for digressing. Your blog post touched my soul and your honest thoughts are appreciated. Good travels and best wishes to you and your friends travelling with you.
    – from David in Australia

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